“As a body is one though it has many parts, and all the parts of the body, though many, are one body, so also Christ.”
Prior to going in to the retreat one of my greatest struggles was measuring myself up against some great people…whether the saints already in heaven or my saintly friends here on earth.
One of the big lessons was that yes I AM very different from those around me and that can be extremely lonely at times…but my life was different from the beginning and that wasn’t an accident. I can’t measure myself against what everyone else seems to be able to accomplish…but only against what God is putting in my own heart. Step into it! It may look weird to everyone else…maybe not even all that ‘Christian’…but He has set me up. I have all that I need to do His will!
I had the pleasure of being on retreat last week. I went in on Monday afternoon and left Friday morning after breakfast. I’m still trying to process all that I experienced and learned there. These blog posts are about that…my own processing…I hope that they make some sense to you who may be reading and possibly even afford some inspiration…but I’ll leave that to the Holy Spirit.
Let me start at the beginning. I was supposed to be going on a long weekend get away trip with some girl friends the second weekend of September. My husband scheduled a few days off from work, to watch the kids. I was looking forward to some time to myself to recharge my batteries and spend some time with some awesome people. It didn’t work out. One thing after another happened, and the weekend plans were eventually cancelled. To say I was disappointed was putting it mildly. But I had to trust in God’s plan.
However, part of the reason that I had so wanted to get away was my current struggles with severe depression. The week before my retreat, it had hit me again. For any of you who may struggle with this, you know that it comes in waves…you never really know when or how intensely it will hit you. So when it does, I retreat to my chair (or sometimes to my bed) and just let it pass. Shortly after crying to the Lord demanding to know why I had even been born, I got ‘the call’. A dear friend had been at St. Joseph’s Abbey in Spencer that morning and the Holy Spirit had put me in their heart…the feeling was strong that I had to be there. I was left with no doubt that I had to obey. So I placed a call to the Abbey right away. In their website they say that retreats need to be booked six months ahead of time. Ok…it’s in God’s hands…whatever He wants…shall be. I left a message and hoped for the best.
A bit later someone from the Abbey called me back. The following week would be the women’s retreat (it’s the third week of each month) and they still had rooms available…would that be ok with me? Ha! Yes…that sounds just about perfect…especially considering that the week in question began on the 15th with the feast day of Our Lady of Sorrows (right after the Exaltation of the Cross on Sunday which was my 29th wedding anniversary) and ended on the 19th…the day before my birthday. 😀
I think God had a plan, don’t you? Please stay tuned…
I’ve determined that I need to make some changes in my life in order to feel ‘nourished’ in mind, body and soul. In a previous post, I listed the areas that are important to me. I’ve decided to start working on it, one area at a time…just baby steps…and hopefully I can connect with someone else out there that may be reading this and we can inspire each other.
So from that list I’ve come up with these six target areas that I need to address, so that what I believe is more in line with what I do. I will be following up on each one in greater detail as I go along. For now I’m just setting up a ‘wish list’ if you will.
1)First target area is that entire realm of health, with diet and exercise being the most predominant factors. I’m what some would consider ‘crunchy’. I believe in the power of wholesome foods and herbs for keeping us strong and healthy. I believe in embracing a fairly clean diet and exercise program as a way of life, one that provides energy and does not make me or my family ill. I believe that pharmaceuticals have a purpose, but should be kept to a minimum.
As an Autism mom, the book that has made the most sense to me in explaining the why as well as offering a solution is The GAPS diet. So this is what I aim for in my family…or at least The Paleo diet which is very similar and more people are familiar with it.
2)Intimacy with my Creator. For me as a Catholic, at the top of that list is frequent Reception of the Sacraments in a place that feels authentic. I’ve found that as a ‘sensitive soul’ a more traditional setting serves me best. I like all the bells and whistles in my Liturgy.
3)Intimacy with others. To be in relationships where I can lay it all out and feel accepted for who I am but yet challenged to be better. To be surrounded and reaffirmed by people who are similarly called. Where I can both feed and be fed and nurtured and can have a safe exchange of ideas.
4)To guide and nurture my children in the most authentic way possible. Being attentive to their special needs and distinct calling. For me, this involves choosing a homeschooling curriculum that fits our needs. And developing a method of discipline that reaches their heart.
5)To live in an organized and fairly clean setting. Surrounded by nature and beauty. Beautiful music, art and good books surround me.It means de cluttering my living spaces and putting together a cleaning schedule that works for us. A la Flylady.
6)To express my creativity and make a living at it. Productivity is of huge importance to me, as is providing financially for my family and for the things that The Lord puts in my heart of course. Right now, my photography is my passion. I believe that this is my current calling, and the tool that I’m to use to connect to others.
I have this problem when dealing with people…ok…so most probably wouldn’t see it as a problem, but for someone so focused on being authentic it is. It’s that when I first meet someone, people automatically want to paint me with a halo. My stories are good and I’m very drawn to beauty, and holiness appeals to me…so that’s the story that comes out first…I get it. What they do not realize, and perhaps what I am most cautious with, is the fact that the other side also beckons me. Meaning…I’m HUMAN!
The problem arises due to the fact that people then develop certain expectations, which I then strive to meet. However no one is all one thing or the other…at least no one this side of heaven. We are all a beautiful mixture. Yes beautiful…because it is exactly our flaws that allow for grace to come in and do its work. So why not embrace transparency? I’m not saying to flaunt our flaws, or pridefully resist change…heck no. We should always strive for better…but you can’t force it on yourself. We can’t force it on anyone else either. How about if we were to just embrace each other…warts and all?
Isn’t that what soul friends do? We see each other as flowers when the world would consider us weeds.
I’m trying to live proactively, and not just accept life as it happens. So I sat down and jotted some things down. What do I like? What gives me true pleasure and peace of mind? This might seem a bit too self focused, but at the point where I am in my journey it’s what needs to be done. I need to remember myself…who I was created to be.
Life and other people…often well intentioned…seem to band together to push you down…to keep you ‘in your place’. You need to put up a struggle…the world needs you!
My Soul enrichers
* Frequent reception of the Sacraments in a place that feels authentic.
* A good diet and exercise program that will provide energy and not hurt me (paleo at the moment)
* Intimacy…relationships where I can lay it all out and feel accepted for who I am but yet am challenged to be better…be surrounded by people who are similarly called, where I can both feed and be fed and nurtured…and exchange ideas safely. A setting where I give and receive plenty of words of affirmation and appropriate physical touch.
* To express my creativity…(my photography at the moment.)
* To feel productive and useful.
* To live a simple life in an organized and fairly clean setting.
* Be surrounded by nature and beauty
* Beautiful music and art
* Good books
I’m going to tackle each of these areas individually in future posts, so stay tuned. 😉
I finally decided to get myself a professional friend…you know…someone that I can meet with regularly, let it all out, I can cry on her shoulder, tell her my darkest secrets and she won’t judge me, will offer wonderful suggestions on how to get my life in order…and she won’t leave me until I’m ready to move on. Ok…so you all probably call this person a ‘therapist’, but whatevah!!! 😉
I finally came to the realization of how much I need this person right now. Struggling with special needs homeschooling, along with still dealing with the deep wounds of having lost loved ones and a myriad of other issues leaves me quite frankly, in a heap these days…and let’s not forget the hormonal wonders that is menopause. God help me!!!
Previous attempts have gone horribly wrong, at first I thought what I needed was a spiritual director…but since it wasn’t happening after several tries I had to concede that perhaps God’s will was elsewhere. I tried confiding in friends, again…horribly wrong…I’m a very sensitive soul…way more intense then the average person can sanely deal with. But then a little burst of inspiration lead me in the right direction. Just had my third visit yesterday and so far so good. Not perfect…but good enough for me to make some progress…so I have to give it a chance. So stay tuned…as ‘step into’ this thing called life. 😉
