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 Last week I posted about living a life in the Spirit. However there is often much that gets in the way of us being able to do that. Spirits that bind us and hold us back from living the Life that we were created for. Our acts of disobedience, both big and small cause their own binding. We can instinctively feel that what we had sought as a way to satisfy the craving of our soul, has instead created a larger hole. We are now hungrier and more needy then ever. We feel raw and naked. We mean well, many of us are long time Christians and know enough to pray… but the prayers that we have memorized from childhood seem to fall on deaf ears. It may seem like we are making headway, but it’s always a few steps forward and many more steps backward. An awkward dance at best. But our eyes have been opened to our own guilt and shame sets in. The pain is too great so then we go back to our own devices… covering ourselves the best way we can. Adam and Even did it with leaves and loin cloths. We do it with whatever draws our attention at the moment. My own idol of choice is food. I’ve used it as a mode of control my entire life. At first I ran from it…quite literally actually. I was raised in another time and place and my mom’s worries for me were real. So force feeding was a viable option. I use that term loosely…she didn’t actually stuff food into my mouth…not that I can remember. But she’d do everything in her power to coax me. Even though the message was that if I didn’t eat I would die, I  was fearless and still rebelled and would literally run off.   As an adult, I have no one else to look out for me and to keep me alive anymore. So it was up to me to ‘parent’ myself the only way I knew. It really does seem like a struggle for survival. I don’t really binge, but what I do is just as detrimental.

One big lesson this past week for me has been my need for community. I attend a wonderful parish and the Mass there is absolutely wonderful but I still leave aching for more. To be in full fellowship with others. To be able to share my path, what the Lord is asking of me and to listen to how God is working in the lives of others, and then have that extra human support to go about doing it. I prayed! He answered! Through someone that He has recently put in my life, I was told about Overeaters Anonymous. It did’t click right away. Am I a compulsive overeater? Wow, that one took some time to get through. Let’s look at the word “compulsive”, it means, resulting from or relating to an irresistible urge, especially one that is against one’s conscious wishes. Yowzer…YES…I know what is good for me. I have an amazing doctor and had done an elimination diet under his care, and I know exactly what foods I react to and cause me harm. YET…I am powerless in dealing with them. This realization took me right to looking for an OA meeting near me and as is God’s way, He provided for one within a couple of miles from my home. God IS good! It offers exactly what I’ve been craving…closer connection with God and others!

So stick with me as I step into this new chapter of my life and go about living the fullness of life that He has designed for me as I allow Him to now parent me. 😀 I’m super excited to see what His plan is and where He’ll take me next.

I love Lectio Divina and journaling, I love tuning in and really listening to what the Lord is saying to me. Even though this Divine conversation can essentially take place any time and anyplace. I find that a certain routine works best for me, helps me shut out stressed thoughts and worldly obsessions. I use my ‘Write the Word’ journal along with my Bible and my Magnificat. It’s all I need. I’m going to start gathering these daily ‘conversations’ and jotting them down in a weekly summary, for my own use. If it’s helpful to anyone else out there, awesome… my hope is that it at least inspires you to start your own conversation with Him!

Sometimes life has a way of pushing us down so deep that it feels like we are stranded in a deep dark hole, with no where to turn. Fear not…God is with you even then. You don’t need to feel Him, just trust! Sit with Him, don’t try too hard to push the darkness away. Give it all to Him, the good, the bad and the ugly and allow Him to speak to you, and please be patient with yourself. Once you start hearing His voice then act on it, put aside all other voices and expectations either self imposed or from others. This is between you and God alone. Small steps is all that you are responsible for. Don’t focus on what you can’t do, but simply do what you can and God will take it from there…this is the place where miracles happen. Stay vigilant!

Do what you can

Once upon a time there was a master carpenter whose biggest passion was to build and then give away his beautiful creations. He would create beautiful and lavish homes and then simply turn around and give away the key. The thing was that he wasn’t simply a carpenter, he was also a master electrician (owner of the power source itself) and the janitor. These homes were specifically built with his imprint upon them and if instructions were followed they  pretty much could be maintained for eternity. However it wasn’t in his nature to push his way in. 

These homes were freely built and given away out of pure love, and even though the creator longed to be in a loving relationship with the new owner and a part of its maintenance forever, he was patient and kind and respected the new owner’s free will so it was entirely up to them what they would do with their new home. Many out of pure love and gratitude wanted him to be part of their lives, and welcomed him in and listened to him as to how best care for their home. Others welcomed him in, but weren’t really interested in listening to him…they would kind of just nod in his direction whenever he tried speaking to them but then went on to do exactly as they pleased…it was their home after all and life was too short, and besides it just wasn’t cool to have him around all the time. And then there were those who didn’t welcome him in at all. Some would say that they did hear banging when the house was coming into being, but asserted that its creation happened all on its own… the keys just happen to fall on their lap too…so it’s all theirs, no need for gratitude and direction on upkeep as long as they were having a good time in the home, then it’s all good. 

But what the first set of folks got to experience first hand that the others never got a chance to, was the full expression of the gift. This amazing home was fully wired for electricity. Amazingly fully powered by the creator himself. The upkeep belonged to him as well (with constant cooperation of the new homeowner of course). There was an amazing trash removal system. Every single time that it was activated, the windows would also get cleaned and amazing amount of light would come pouring in…light so strong and yet gentle that even small speks of dust could now be seen and attended to before it built up but the owner never felt overwhelmed. So even though dirt came in as readily as it did in the other homes ( maybe a little less as these owners were now more observant…but this is debatable)it was never allowed to stack up, so this home would never go into decay as long as the creator was on board (but keep in mind the free will of the new home owner).

However I’m sad to report that it wasn’t the same way with the other homes. Not for lack of trying on the other home owners’ part. They had their little lamps going, and sometimes huge neon signs even, that definitely brought in light but often only served to cause blindness and greater darkness in the end. They had paid professionals to help deal with trash, but it seemed like it could never go far enough so they often decided to just not call it trash anymore after all one man’s junk is another man’s treasure, right? The only problem with that is the accompanying decay. These houses would self destroy in time if the creator wasn’t brought in (and yes, he could still be welcomed in at any point). And still some in the second batch of folks…who did know the creator would often blame him for the decay. Saying that He was a loving Creator of all the homes, not merely the first set, and had given keys to all equally…so he had to maintain all the houses equally and were often angered when this didn’t happen. However the second set were very kind hearted and tolerant folks and really wanted nothing more than this to be true, so they kept spreading this message of ‘love’. But how can an untruth that will bring about such decay ever be loving? It shutoff the opportunity for the real answer…which is of course to acknowledge the need for the Carpenter in the first place!

I need a brand new start. I like the idea of blogging, it allows me to coordinate my thoughts and organize my steps. It also allows me to share a little bit of myself  and my journey with others who may be on a similar path.

My latest struggles have been with my health but I now have new doctors and new hope. So even though I’m far from where I’d like to be (in fact this weekend has been an all time low for me.)…I think I’m finally on my way.

We’ve found out that my thyroid is low and if you are one of the many suffering with hypothyroidism, you know how debilitating this in itself can be. But it’s now looking like my adrenals are in a state of exhaustion also. This usually comes about after several huge stressor events. Hmm lets see…both parents passing away after lengthy illnesses, dealing with infertility issues, and then the adoption process(twice). A child critically ill in the hospital for several weeks and then a diagnoses of autism (all within one decade)…and those are just the tip of the iceberg. So I think yes, my adrenals could very well be completely depleted by this point. I went into survival mode at some point and haven’t quite made it back out yet.

But I’m ready…I’m taking my life back! I’ve tried several times, but without healing the root causes, I kept falling back into a pit. It’s humbling for sure. I think things will be different this time around. For starters I’m putting together an amazing team of both professionals and friends to see me through.  So thanks for reading this far and please pray for me and stick around and see how this all turns out.