Through this blog I’d like to locate my fellow pilgrims, those traveling this path with the added burden of a neurodivergent brain (ie. ADHD, Autism, Giftedness, etc.)
Our brains just don’t function the way that every body else’s seem too, and this world and what it deems essential just can’t accommodate or fully accept us. We can feel very much like square pegs in round holes. But I have Good News to bring you … we are not alone. I actually believe that many of the saints knew our struggles personally.
Our Heart is restless until it rests in you.
St Augustine
What neurodivergent person on this journey can’t identify with a restless heart? Hello!!!
In yesterday’s reflection, I wrote the following.
“Humility requires that we look at our selves… all those areas that we struggle with and try to hide or improve on in our own way. All those little broken pieces that we try desperately to glue back together. Whether they were a result of our own sinfulness, our temperament, our disorders or inordinate tendencies. God wants us to hand them all over to Him.”
I read somewhere that folks with adhd especially, have a very high rate of addiction. Perhaps one plausible reason is that our brains were created with a bit less dopamine than the average bear. That near constant search for that next dopamine hit to keep us at just a functional level, could explain what gives way to our restless hearts, it is our self medicating attempt.
Our hearts were made for Him, not for the numerous artificial dopamine suppliers that many often turn to instead… from the less innocuous social media, shopping and food addictions to others that are a bit more pernicious, like sex and drug addictions. We run the gamut of our particular inclinations. Like the saying goes… “there but for the grace of God, go I”.
So what then? If we are to “rest our hearts on God”, or simply be little and humble as St. Therese tells, so are we to “simply remain “little” and then wait for the Lord to stoop down, take us into his arms, and raise us to the heights?” as Fr. Gaitley so aptly inquires on day 10 of 33 Days to Merciful Love. No, of course not… Christianity is about faith AND works … we pray and then we obey. But being little, our works usually don’t avail to much, and we can get very frustrated with our lack of results. How many of you have felt this way? That we are just not productive, fruitful or successful, our brains often not allowing us to bring a project to completion. However what we need to remember is that even though we are commanded to act, the results of our action is up to Him.
Saint Mother Teresa is known to have said that “God does not call us to be successful, but to be faithful.”
Fr. Gaitely theorizes that our efforts in the spiritual life are “absolutely necessary and absolutely useless.”
One of my favorite stories that clarifies this truth is the following.
Pushing the Rock – Author Unknown
There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture placing thoughts into the man’s mind such as; “You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn’t budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it, etc.”
Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. “Why kill myself over this?” he thought. “I’ll just put in my time, giving just the minimum of effort and that will be good enough.” And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
“Lord” he said, “I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?”
To this the Lord responded compassionately, “My friend, when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back brown, your hands are calloused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard.
Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock.
BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM, this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock.”
On day 12 of the consecration, it goes on to say
“In sum, then, the little way is often a little way of darkness. It’s about accepting that we are to put up with ourselves with all the darkness of our weakness, brokenness and sin -without getting discouraged. It’s recognizing, without giving up, that some struggles are chronic. It’s realizing, without despairing, that they may be with us till our dying day. But it’s also about realizing that this does not prevent us from becoming saints.”
We are to use all our weaknesses, either from our temperaments, differences in biology, or sinful nature… and allow God to do His thing. This is why humility is so important, if we are to hide what the world considers imperfections, we are not only hiding an important part of who we are, but opportunities for growth and healing too.